I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
