Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
