Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
