with your own penis?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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