Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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