he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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