dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
