I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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