Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
found the other keg... it's in the tree
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Randomize
