I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
