Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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