I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
