Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Alive.
So much puke
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
