Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
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I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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