I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
