Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
