Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
