I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
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I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
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Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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