plz talk dirty to me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
