My sheets look like a crime scene.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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