Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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