Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
