Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
