drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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