when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
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We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
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We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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