I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Even the bartender felt bad for me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
