Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
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