things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
They have beer where we have blood.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
