possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
so much tequila, so little girl.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory