We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Randomize
