He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
3 2 1 whiskey
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
