So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
