he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
