He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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