I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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