oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
