He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
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