so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
