Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
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