how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
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