That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
