I am puke
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I wanna passion pit in your ass
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
