I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
