so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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