I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
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