I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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