just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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