Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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