my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
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