Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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