I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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