When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
