we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
whose parrot is this?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
