I cut my penus on the lid.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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