i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
