Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
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